So the last time we talked about medical things (over on
caringbridge), I was told I shouldn’t have children. If you haven’t read that
post, I would highly encourage you to start there before reading this one.
But to recap in a nutshell, I was told by my oncologist in
January that it was too risky, we didn’t know when the cancer was coming back,
and if it came back while I was pregnant then things could get really bad. I
then spoke with my OBGYN who told me to wait two years before trying to start a
family. There were some dark days ahead, but ultimately Jeff and I decided
first and foremost that our future family was the Lord’s call, but we would
hold off on actively trying for a family for a year (primarily thinking that if
we started trying and nothing happened then it obviously wasn’t the right time).
We thought it was a good compromise.
Two months later, we found out we were pregnant.
It honestly never occurred to me that God’s timing could be
sooner. In fact, to follow my OBGYN’s recommendations, we were actually trying
NOT to get pregnant. But alas, God had different plans.
<Pause: I am
hesitant to write these words simply because I know how common infertility is
and how many people I personally know that were/are affected by it. However, I
do think it is pertinent to my ‘story,’ so I believe it’s important to share.
Please don’t think I am insensitive to all the struggles out there. It broke my
heart to tell some of my friends my news (I literally cried at them) – so
please understand the disclaimer here!>
At the end of March I noticed I was late, but didn’t really
think anything of it. In fact, I took a pregnancy test just to double check and
it was negative. So I just kept be-bopping along with life. Then Easter
weekend, we were driving home from my sister’s house and Jeff (jokingly) asked
if we should stop and get another test. I told him no, and that I was exhausted
and wanted to go to bed. Then as we pulled into our town we passed a CVS and I
told him ‘eh, sure just stop here and I’ll grab one .’ We got home, I took the
test as a fluke, and I didn’t even have to wait 15 seconds for that second pink
line to show up.
And then my whole body went numb.
I ran into the kitchen (pretty sure I was stark white), didn’t
speak words, and just stared at Jeff with a deer in the headlights look. He smiled
and said “what? It’s positive?” And then we just started at each other. He
started laughing. I started shaking. I had to sit down.
We just kept asking “what?” “how?” “huh?” over and over
again. I mean, we’d been married for four months. I hadn’t (okay, still haven’t)
even changed my name! I hadn’t (okay, still haven’t) even finished all my
wedding thank you notes! (…Mom, they’re in process, don’t be mad!)
If I’m being honest, excitement didn’t set in for a good
while. I was in a state of shock for the rest of the weekend, and by the time
Monday rolled around, I was in complete fear. I felt like I had totally messed
up. Being the rule follower I am, I completely broke the “rules” – and barely
even followed them for a month. In the words of Michelle Tanner, I thought I
was in biiiiig trouble, mister.
When I called my oncologist’s office that Monday morning,
all my fears were compounded. The girl on the other end of the phone was in
disbelief of how I could let this happen, and proceeded to remind me that I
couldn’t undergo any treatment now. I quietly (and confusedly) asked if I
needed any treatment right now, and she responded with “well, no, but if it
spreads there’s nothing we can do. We can’t even do MRIs anymore. I don’t know
how we’ll monitor you now. I’ll talk to your doctor and call you back.”
I proceeded to place my head on my desk and bawl my eyes
out. Any joy was completely gone, and fear and shamefulness took its place.
To be honest, and we’ve talked about this before, I have
always struggled with faith vs. science when it comes to medical things. I
figure I don’t know jack squat, so what my doctors tell me is what is right.
And a lot of times it is. My dad is in the medical field, after all. I believe
in the practice of medicine. I also believe in a little bedside manner, but let’s
not get off topic.
That fear ate at me for a while - and it still does to be
honest. Not fear about being a mom (though fear of that whole labor thing is a
whole different story!), but fear that the cancer is coming back. My oncologist
has been supportive recently – well, more like he’s just not overly negative,
but I still feel like I need to enter the office with my tail tucked in between
my legs. My OBGYN has been super excited for me, but every now and then she’ll (albeit,
jokingly) say “and you’re going to behave for the rest of this pregnancy,
right?” Woman, please. Like I can control the cancer.
Since I can’t have MRIs every three months, I’m just having
liver ultrasounds every three months. It’s not as good but it’s something. What
they can’t monitor is my eye socket, so we’ll just have to wait until December
for a full work-up. And that is where
Satan attacks. I have awful nightmares of people chiseling away at my face because
the cancer came back. And I honestly don’t know if it has.
So basically, things could get really bad if this sucker
spreads. And because it’s such a rare cancer (except if you went to Auburn,
apparently), we just don’t know much about it. Could it spread to the placenta?
We don’t know. There are a LOT of unknowns here, and unfortunately, those
unknowns have given a lot of my fears a foundation (whether they should or
not).
What I DO know, and is the verse I have pinned up right next
to my first ultrasound of sweet girl, is Psalm 127:
“Children are a GIFT
from the Lord; they are a REWARD from Him. Children born to a young man are
like arrows in a warrior’s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of
them! He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city
gates.” Psalm 127:3-5
Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’d be
lying if I hadn’t thought “ah, I got it. I’m having a little girl right out of
the gates because I’m going to die pretty soon and she can live on as little
me.” I mean – deep dark thoughts here, folks.
And then part of me hopes, prays, and yearns to believe that
the Lord is just saying “for you, Katy.” 2017 was a rough year; so maybe this
sweet little girl IS just a gift – no strings, no other shoe. It’s just
so hard for me to grasp because I just feel so undeserving of something so
wonderful, so quickly.
But hey, isn’t that salvation in a nutshell? We get
blessings every day – with the biggest blessing being on the other side of this
earthly life – that we don’t deserve and shouldn’t receive. But because of that
man on that cross – our merit doesn’t even have to come into play. Thank you,
Jesus. …Literally.
So that’s the story of us finding out we were pregnant. Don’t
get me wrong – there is a LOT of joy now. The big bad medical stuff just took
us for a slight detour.
To close, Jeff and I would be honored if you would pray for
us and our little girl. We need the cancer to stay far (far FAR) away. And
selfishly, I would like it to stay away both during pregnancy and for the vast
majority of this little girl’s life. Just pray that this pregnancy/delivery is
as routine as a textbook, and that my doctors are blown away at the lack of
(perceived) complexity.
And because we know who you are and how much your prayers
have already impacted us in the past, I’m going to go ahead and say thank you
on our behalf as well. :) Aside from this sweet gift arriving this December, YOU are our greatest
blessing!
Love you all,
Katy (& Jeff)
