Friday, May 12, 2017

Relinquishing Control

So I think I like to control things. 

To some of you, this may be a "yeah, duh" moment, but I honestly never considered myself a control freak. I mean, last week I blogged about how I have an inability to make a decision. Control freaks don't struggle in the decision making department. 

But recently, things have been happening in my life that I can't control - and it makes me quite uneasy. I was talking about this to one of my close friends earlier this week (you know, sharing my need-to-control epiphany), and she simply said "you're like a mom, you just like to be able to fix things. And some things, you just can't fix." 

I've been mulling over her words for the past few days, and by golly-gee, I think she's right. For every problem, I have a solution; for every dilemma, I have actionable advice; and for every Plan A, I'm already thinking of a Plan B.

And so far, it's been a pretty solid method to live by. But recently, things have been happening in my life, and the lives of people really close to me, that I can't fix.

And it's done something to me. I feel worthless, I feel helpless, and I feel like I'm spinning out of control. 

When I was younger and would go stay at a friend's house or overnight in a hotel, I would always pack up my belongings and zip up my suitcase every night before I went to sleep. I liked everything compacted together in case anything happened. Like why would I have to "leave all my belongings and escape safely from the building" when I could simply grab my well packed bag and get both me AND my things out safely? #sillyfiremen

Continuing on with the suitcase analogy, it feels as if someone unzipped my bag, and dumped all of its contents off of a balcony and into a raging wind storm. 

In the words of Chandler Bing: "can open; worms everywhere."

And you know the worst thing about your belongings flying around in a windstorm? You can't grab them all. And that's how I feel right now. I feel like I can't grab anything and keep it safe. It's all out of my control. 

(Side note: I think this means I'm going to be an overprotective mother.)

But I've decided it boils down to this - there's a fine line between control issues and trust issues. And by "fine" I mean it's dotted, perforated, and might as well be more of a 'blur' than a line. 

So if I'm praying about this stuff, and I don't have control over this stuff, but the lack of control over said stuff still bothers me, I think it means I'm not trusting the One who does have control over the stuff. 

Is it right? No. Is it real? Yes. I'm human.

But I'm human who strives to be better, so we slap ourselves in the face and work on the trust issues. 

It's almost comical, really. I'm reading through the Bible, reading about the countless miracles and masterpieces of God, yet I have trust issues when it comes to current day events of my life. Like, what is that? God delivered a man from a WHALE, and I think my stuff has a better chance of being taken care of in my hands rather than His. 

Which again, is comical. Because if one of my people got swallowed by a whale, I really would have nothing more to offer than a quick wave and a "sorry boutcha." Not much deliverance in these two hands.
(wiggles fingers) 

And while there are approximately 5,183 verses in the Bible related to fear, anxiety, worry, etc. - the one that gives me the most peace is John 16:33:

This is my go to. Yes - we will have tribulation. There will be raging windstorms that flee your sanity/emotions/general well-being 'to and fro' - but we also get peace. And we get to be POSITIVE and HOPEFUL, because the one who can instantly catch all of your belongings in one big swoop? He's already overcome the world. 

So unless your problems are in Mars, you're covered.
Though He created that too - so really you're good either way :)

Is it easy? No. Is it an instant reflex? No. Do I have it figured out? You're funny. 

But every time I feel the (theoretical) winds start to blow and my (figurative) belongings start to slip out of my hands, I just repeat this verse. 

And it happens about 37 times per day. 

Don't let your control issues turn into trust issues. I guarantee you, your problems are a lot safer once you give them up then they are when you cling to them. 

Until next time,



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