KUWK: On Dreaming Big

"Dreaming big" is rough. And it ain't for the weak of heart. 

Having dreams and passions is enough to put you on an emotional roller coaster that has more twists and turns than the Texas Giant over at Six Flags. And I'm not talking about the baby dreams. I'm talking about the dreams that you can literally feel tugging at your heart strings every time you think about them. The dreams that cause a lump in your throat every time you talk about them. The dreams that you feel so strongly about that when you pray about them, you only get out a "Dear God" before the tears join you. 

Those dreams.  

We all have them, and for the majority of us, they've changed over the years. And for some of us, our dreams might not quite line up with the 'equipment' we were given.

I've been a dancer my entire life. It's what makes me tick. The whole time I was in college, I knew I wanted to audition to be a NYC Rockette when I graduated. Getting an education was important to me, but my dream was performing on stage. I can tap, I can kick, I am the right height and right proportion (mostly legs), so I was going to give it a try. I researched, I studied, I found a professor at Baylor that was a former Rockette. Being a Rockette was my dream. 

And then right before I graduated college I was diagnosed with cancer. A cancer that made me look a little funny and took half my vision. I focused on treatment and recovery, and my dream of being a Rockette slipped away. 

[scene]

Then I moved to Dallas, started a career in public accounting, and completely fell in love with country music. Don't get me wrong - I was always a fan - but I wanted to create it. I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted to be a country music star, and having just conquered cancer, I truly believed that anything was possible. This dream grew -and it grew fast. It's all I thought about. 

Then one day I was walking my dog around the neighborhood, and a fork in the road just slapped me in the face. I could actually give this dream a try (and probably fail), or I could never try, always dream, and be an 80-year old woman eaten up with regret. 

The worst question to ever ask yourself  is the question of "what if?" - because you will never ever know the answer. 

I decided I wanted failure over regret. I wanted it so badly, I was beyond willing to move to Nashville and do the "starving artist on the street" thing. I didn't care - as long as I was trying. Chasing the dream. Running the race. 

I started writing songs. I took voice lessons. My brother bought me a guitar. I put in a transfer with my company to get me to Nashville. I started taking steps. And I was pumped. 

Then last year (and about six months before I could transfer) God opened the door for an opportunity to stay in Dallas. I was so confused. Why were doors being opened in Dallas when I was mentally and emotionally set to move to Nashville? I talked to my family about what to do - and my brother sent me back a one sentence response that made things pretty clear. He said "what I've learned in my life, is that when God opens a door for you, you're a fool if you don't walk through it." 

So I stayed. And it was a pretty bittersweet choice. I was excited for the opportunity, and I was excited to stay in Texas with my friends and family, but I felt like I was giving up on myself before I even tried. I felt like I was giving up on my dream.

[scene]

So what now, you ask? 

Well let me tell you. 

I. DON'T. KNOW.

For over a year now, I've been wondering what God wants me to do with my life. I've had many a breakdowns upon realizing I'm 27 and still don't know the answer to that. For everyone above 30, I'm sure you're thinking "oh Katy, you're still so young." And for those of you younger than me, you're likely thinking "man, I really hope I have my life figured out by the time I turn 27." I get it. It's all relative.

But here's the thing - I recently realized that while I have indeed been wondering what God has in store for my life, I haven't been asking. I just kept thinking it would just happen. That the time would come when God would nudge me and say 'hey - pay attention, this is it.'
...yeah, no such nudge. 

So I've been asking. Fervently asking. And while I haven't necessarily learned the whole answer, He has taught me a few things in anticipation. For instance, I would look at my life and only know how to measure it if I placed it against someone else's life. The measuring stick for my accomplishments was always someone else's life. That's not fair. That's not fair to me, and it's not fair to God. I think I have big dreams? God's dreams for my life would blow.my.mind. And I'm selling Him short by checking out His dreams for someone else. 

A few weeks ago I was praying and scrolling through my mental list of "dreams" I would love to chase, and I remember getting so frustrated. (Because I was measuring my life against other people.) In the midst of that frustration, the good Lord just threw several thoughts into my head.

I already have a Carrie Underwood. 

I already have a Jen Hatmaker. 

 What I need is a Katy Reeves. 

Side note: I am a firm believer that the Lord talks to us through common sense. In fact I'm pretty sure that's His main method of communication when it comes to me cause when I'm a hot mess I rarely think rationally or clearly. So thought-provoking statements most definitely are Heaven sent. 

Every single one of us is unique. We all have different personalities, different strengths, different weaknesses, etc. Why on earth would God's plan for me be the exact same plan He has for someone else? That's zero fun for anyone. So that being said, why would I measure my life against someone else's life? They aren't, and lucky for us shouldn't be, even remotely comparable.

I've been so busy looking and "shopping" through other people's lives that I haven't even considered that there's a set of blueprints designed just for ME. And those blueprints are just collecting dust, because I'm way too busy peeking over at someone else's. 

Now - all these realizations and epiphanies are great, but putting them into practice? That's a whole 'nother issue. Like I said...dreaming big is hard. Some days you wake up feeling like not hell nor high water can keep you from chasing this dream. Other days you wake up feeling like you've accomplished, and will accomplish, absolutely nothing. 

So I'm telling you just like I'm telling myself (because quite frankly this post is just for me). Go all in. Whatever it is that makes you tick. Whatever it is that God instilled in you that makes your heart hurt just thinking about it. Pray about it. Go for it. With your WHOLE self. Not just your big toe. 

So yes, I'm a dreamer. And dreaming big is hard. But to me, if you aren't dreaming, and you aren't chasing, then you aren't living. 

Until next time,
Katy