Thursday, November 5, 2015

CMA Awards 2015

[cracks neck, rolls shoulders]

It's time. 

The 49th Annual CMAs are finally here! Normally I watch, take notes, and do a little recap for y'all the next morning, but this time I decided to actually document throughout the show. If I had a thought - I typed it out. If it needed a picture to support, I paused the TV and took one (so let's not judge the quality). 

So basically you can read the whole 3-hour show as if you were on the couch with me. You lucky lucky dogs.

Let's go. 


Star Wars... cute opening. Go with the trend of the world right now. Carrie Fisher, Guitar Solo, Garth Vador - funny. I'm on board. I'm with you. 

Okay then. Abrupt cut to an opener of..... Hank Jr. and Eric Church? Not my first choice, but to each his own. Oh, and then John Mellencamp. Oh, and then Keith Urban singing about John Mellencamp. 

How are we 12 minutes in and the only thing I've seen Carrie Underwood in is a Princess Leia outfit? 

There she is. And I just temporarily put down the Blue Bell. 

This is also when my phone literally blows up of all my friends commenting on Carrie's rocking body. Pretty sure she's skinnier post baby. I'm telling myself she has on spanx. 
(picks up spoon and resumes Blue Bell) 

Alright, I'm fully on board with how they addressed Blake and Miranda's split. Way to take one for the team, muppets. I'm also still extremely sad about that divorce, by the way. I should eat more Blue Bell. 

Oh hello there, Sam Hunt. 
Oh, Justin Timberlake. 
Hiya Luke Bryan. 

Steve Martin is one of my favorites actors. Him and Tim Allen. They're like those "dad" actors. And now I want to go watch Father of the Bride. And bawl my eyes out. Because you can't have one without the other.  

[This is the part of the blog where I realize I cannot type every thought that comes through my brain. Hold please.]

HEY! Something happened. 

Single of the Year: Girl Crush - Little Big Town

Again - not my personal choice, but (regretfully) no one asked me. Probably because I feel dirty and blushy and bashful when I sing it. I mean I get it... I just don't like it. 


...she looks like a peacock. 

So...Zach Brown minus the beanie gives me the willies. It's like someone hit him really hard on the head and all his hair shot through his face and came out his chin. 

Kenny is so dang yummy in a hat. Puts on a good performance, too. 

Song of the Year: Girl Crush - Little Big Town
...I'm having dejavu.

Oh my gosh, and now we're going to hear Girl Crush live. An hour in and there is just so much of the girl crushing going on. And I'm not just talking about me crushing on Carrie. But that indeed is happening.

WHAT IS KAREN FAIRCHILD WEARING?! That is a black bellbottom pantsuit twinkled with little bits of foil. That apparently fell off Kimberly Schlapman's skirt. They must have been also going for that Star Wars theme.

New Artist of the Year: Chris Stapleton

Uhh....this may make me a really bad country music fan, but who is he? I shall be researching him tomorrow at work. Also, does he have eyes? 

OUTFIT CHANGE! And a performance! 

Okay, those boots. They basically go up to her crotch. Boots should never go up to ones crotch. Know why? Cause that means your thighs are thin enough to fit in the same accessory as your ankle. NOT OKAY. 

It's actually perfectly okay, I'm just jealous.

Collaboration: JT and Chris Stapleton

Oh hey - remember when I didn't know who Chris Stapleton was? Who cares. Now he's on stage performing with Justin Timberlake and is therefore way cool and special. 

And this just in: he does have eyes! 

Justin Timberlake. What did you just do to Nashville? All things good and holy. Like him twitching is hot. Justin Timberlake can make a twitch look sexy. Chris, nice to meet you, I'm sure you're wonderful, but you have 23 pounds of hair and are standing next to JT. My focus has shifted.


....what is that? I don't understand. 

My friend Ryan just texted me asking when the Carrie/Justin duet was going to happen. Bless. That would blow my mind. 

Collaboration: Thomas Rhett and Fall Out Boy

This is probably the first time we've had dancers in a country award show since T Swift was in country. And I love how Thomas is trying really hard to interact with the lead guy from FOB and he is just having none of that. 

ALSO. Anyone seen Miranda? Again with the dejavu. 

Album of the Year: Long-Hair Stapleton

...whose wife has just as much hair as he does! So apparently Mr. Stapleton's album needs to spend some quality time with my earbuds. 

Kelsea Ballerini is wearing a graffiti wall. And I think it has a cape. 

Uhhh. Brad's college football performance. Brilliant. And so incredibly fun. I had chills. And it took me pretty much the whole song, but I finally found my boyfriend. Bruiser is FAMOUS! I love him. 

So - the whole time Blake performed I was playing a little WWMT (What Would Miranda Think?) Like...what would you do if your newly ex-husband was also a famous country star and performing like 3 feet in front of you? Be nostalgic? Miss him a little? Throw tomatoes? Take a "bathroom break?" I mean I just don't know. 

OUTFIT CHANGE! Back to back!

Prom gown followed that red pleather? 

Okay - so far the highlight of this show is Pentatonix singing "Elvira." I need more of them. PS dad - you would like them.  Watch it here.

Group of the Year - Little Big Town it's apparently their year. 

MIRANDA! We found her. And her pink tipped hair. Girl is rocking out about a bathroom sink. I will say she looks older to me. More mature. More independent. So now let's play the other way ... WWBT? 


....what are we on? #7?

Okay. I was literally laying down and then when Kacey Mugraves came on the screen I literally shot up in bed. But now I get it. Old school country. That's bold. You wear your leotard and sparkly tights in 2015 on a stage in front of the world. You do you. 

I take it back. My little ponies are running across the stage. No longer on board. 

I would also like every one to know that it's 9:30 p.m., and thanks to Daylight Savings it has been dark since like noon and I can barely keep my eyes open. Thirty more minutes. Pull your inner grandma up by her bootstraps. We can do this. 

Female Vocalist of the Year: Miranda Lambert

Am I reading into her every breath, or does she just look like she's had a rough week? Oh wait, she just said she "needed a bright spot this year." Poor sweet girl. You're going to be okay. Someone hug her. 



Sunshine meets genie in a bottle.

Collaboration: Reba and Brooks and Dunn

I can't get enough of that fiery little red-head with mutant lungs. She is just so spectacular. Flawless. You can tell she's a seasoned veteran and that stage is her natural habitat. Yes, yes, and absolutely.

Uhhh - Jennifer Nettles abs. Anyone? Anyone? She breathes and they move. She must work out with Carrie. And I bet they both wear Calia.

Male Vocalist of the Year: Chris Stapleton

So....I apparently should be ashamed that I just discovered this hairy hairy man tonight. He is a talented wonder and is now on the country map. And he just thanked his cousins in Kentucky. You are a precious country bumpkin.

Entertainer of the Year: Lukey Luke Bryan

Those teeth. Those hips. That heart. So sweet. 

Wait - it's over. And Carrie changed. Did I miss one? Or did she really just change for like the 3 seconds to say goodbye??

OKAY. And there we have it. We have successfully watched (and painfully documented) the 49th Annual CMA Awards. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go put my little head on the pillow and dream of what it would be like to rock crotch-high boots on stage. 

Thanks for watching/reading!

Until next time,


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