Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Let's Talk Hallmark


So you all know I love me some Hallmark. I get it from my father. No seriously, we both eat this stuff up. 

This year I've watched more Hallmark than usual, and I've noticed quite a few themes. 
And naturally, I thought it necessary to discuss those themes with you. I've watched over 20 movies this year and have jotted down notes since movie three. Let's begin. 

1 - For the Love of Coffee Mugs

I mean, really. Hallmark is the reason why people consume so much coffee and hot chocolate during the holiday season. It is amAzing how many warm beverages those people consume in a 2-hour time span. It's in every other scene! It's as though when the director wasn't sure what to have the actors do in a scene, he'd grab two mugs and call it a day. 

"Little Janie Bob, have I told you the true meaning of Christmas?" (grabs two coffee mugs from the cupboard)

"I don't know mom, I just don't know how I feel about Billy John" (snuggles on the couch whilst clutching a large mug)

Okay, I'm also aware I just made the Hallmark Channel an episode of the Waltons (night John Boy!), but you get the idea. What I find interesting is no one has to take a tinkle in these movies. 

2 - The Reuse of the Common Coat

So this one makes me proud of Hallmark. While most movies star Jennifer Aniston wearing every adorable coat/scarf combo imaginable, Hallmark keeps it real. Those coats are on repeat. If the movie begins and the star is wearing a pretty red peacoat - she wears the poo out of that pretty red peacoat. Every time she bundles up, it's in that red pea coat. I mean, not all of us are like Joseph and the coat of many in every color. I appreciate the reuse of the common coat. 

3 - Is Santa Holy?

So in the movies that include a Santa character, have you noticed he takes on a "Jesus" persona? I mean, people are asking him advice on life, casting their dreams/wishes, trying to behave - I mean, these people are all but praying to the jolly ole man in the red suit. 

Call me a holy roller Bible thumper but half the time in these movies I just want to scream "why don't you pray about it!? Santa can't help you!" But then I just take a step back and realize I'm way too involved in the TV show. But seriously - next time pay attention and you'll see it. #thepeopleneedtheLord

4 - You're with the Wrong Guy

So we all know that in the end, love wins. That's why we eat these movies up  - we love a good happily ever after. But have you noticed that in half the movies the girl is single, but in the other half she's just with the wrong guy? Like what subliminal message is that sending this holiday season? "Don't spend too much on his gift cause he may not be the one." There is no moonlight and mistletoe there. BUT, I guess she does always find someone new. So if you end up enduring a breakup this holiday season, have no fear, your Mr. Right could be at the next tree farm over. 

5 - The Misunderstanding

People can't just meet and fall in love. That doesn't have enough depth. So there always has to be a misunderstanding. Girl G overhears Boy B saying "I love you" on the phone and thinks he has a girlfriend (but alas, it's his mother), or Girl G sees Boy B hugging Chick C and she has on an engagement ring so they must have just gotten engaged (but alas, it's just a congratulatory "you're getting married!" hug), etc. You know the misunderstanding I'm referring to. Happens. Every. Time.

Which leads me to...

6 - The Predictability

Y'all, these movies are so predictable. But I just can't seem to care. I actually turn it in to a game. Seven minutes into the movie when you've seen pretty much all the characters, pick the protagonist, antagonist, etc. You can basically lay out the entire plot before it happens. Oh the joy. But we still watch until the very end. Just in case we were wrong. #weneverare

7 - InstaLove

So the whole movie is about a chase - right? How the two lovebirds find each other. I get that's the point, but it still cracks me up how these people can meet, hate each other for an hour and 58 minutes, and then in the last two minutes bust out with an "I love you." I mean REALLY.   I know I personally picked a slow mover and some cases are a little speedier but can we at least say "hey I think you're pretty cute, wanna go steady?" I mean what message are we sending to children?!

Okay, I don't really care that much, I just was enjoying my tangent. But there is some serious instalove in these movies. 

And my final thought on Hallmark Holiday movies...

8 - What Happens in January?

Do you ever just want a follow up? Like hey, so did that girl marry the king and become a queen and the mother to that little girl? Or hey, did that couple get married and have a bunch of babies and she was able to follow her dream of painting as a career? I mean all I'm asking for is a little springtime follow up on what happens next. A kiss (and believe you me, every single movie ends with a kiss) is just not enough closure. I need more. 

Whew. That was fun. I really enjoyed this. There have been some pretty great movies this year. Some pretty stupid ones, too, but mostly great. And did you all hear that Mariah Carey is starring in her own Hallmark movie this year? Uhhh yeah. That's happening. It's a holiday musical. Aaaand I'm pumped. 

They're still airing new ones every Saturday and Sunday nights! Set your DVRs...I mean after all 8 points above, I don't see how you could possibly want to miss out!

Find the full schedule here.

Happy Wednesday everyone!

Until next time,


  1. SO glad you included the predictability factor - land 'a goshens, the predictability. Also, you're a little Hallmark obsessed. I mean, what if your cable provider just stopped having that channel??! #ithappens

  2. LOL this right here is on point. I have been indulging on my fair share of hallmark movies and I gotta say "how about the wrong girl"? Right on about Santa. Jesus is the reason for the season.